This one from 2003 and Aaron was 4 months past his 4th birthday and 8 months post op from several spine surgeries. One of which resulted in his paralysis. I don't mean to be a debbiedowner with these memories but as a special needs parent there are so many memories wrapped up in simple holidays.
There was a few years I could not look at these photos without pain. Now I see the sweet little cherubic boy he was (and still is). We had a real tree this year. I think he was admiring the presents and the tree. Oh those presents were so tempting. Even now they are too hence why I don't put presents out until the morning of Christmas. All too many times I've heard him riiiiiiiip open a present that wasn't even his to begin with! Silly, silly little boy.
Each and every December I privately mourn the life I had imagined in my head when I was pregnant with him. I imagined perfect Christmases and fun and sharing holiday traditions of my own childhood. Unfortunately he and life had other plans on how we'd spend the holidays. It makes me sad not to see the anticipation in his eyes as you'd see in typical children. I had many expectations of Christmas and holidays when he was born and finally after 11 years I think I'm finding peace with the way our Christmases are. They are as they are. Nothing more and nothing less. I always lost sight that my boy IS spending Christmas with me. Which is a gift in and of itself.
This Christmas I'm keeping it simple. A few presents I've gathered the past few months. Nothing large and extravagant. It doesn't matter to him to have the latest fads in children's toys and gadges that tv ads tend to throw in our faces every 4 minutes. His father and I take him to Walmart every once in a while and two weeks ago we went around the store. Aaron's favourite section (along with Mom and Dad's too) is the electronics department. Aaron pointed to a video game quite vigorously. I've kept it in mind and will go pick it up some time this weekend.
I used to be horribly sad and depressed each and every year. Now I think I've come to terms with December. I've come to accept that this is our life. I think as adults we strive to recreate the Christmas euphoria we had as children. If we can't then we feel like failures. I'm learning to let go the expectations of the grand Christmas spent with myriads of family members. It's time I embrace Christmas for the simplicity it is. We only make Christmas as complicated as it can be. I've taken a back seat approach this year. I'm enjoying it a whole lot more.
Someone told me several weeks back that it is the season of light. This year I'm going to let the light in as there is no room in my heart for the dark clouds of despair. One foot forward and one positive memory at a time.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Another Christmas from the past
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5 comments:
Beautiful post. Well said. I think that everyone has different things they deal with in live, different ways that maybe their life hasn't gone the way they thought it would, but it's important to see the silver lining in things and thank God for the blessings you have. And I personally think you said it all perfectly, and what a great reminder to keep the holiday more simple. Because really, the whole idea of Christmas is based on a simple (and miraculous) event and not all the crap that marketing and the media throws in our faces. Merry Christmas, my friend. May you truly experience a season of light. :)
I hope the light shines bright for you and your son and the rest of your family. I feel a little sad at this time of the year. In trying to recreate those xmas's of my childhood I found that I can't and that makes me sad.
But I guess its all about making new memories.
Merry christmas and happy new year.
I must agree with Valerie...a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings with us. I think you and your son are blessed in so many ways. You know it's not what presents we received for Christmas that we remember but the memories that we create. Decorating the tree, baking the cookies, wrapping ourselves in a warm quilt while watching an old Christmas movie and drinking hot chocolate...those are the things we will always remember. So take time to create those memories...Merry Christmas to you both!
This is a beautiful post and thank you for sharing your memories.
I don't want to recreate my christmas pasts and so my christmases with my own little family have been full of joy and togertheness (is that a word?!). Make Christmas what you want it to be, I find the more simple the better. Enjoy your little boy!
Your post really hit home. Gwen was too mentally handicapped to comprehend Christmas and Santa. Plus, one of her babysitters was allergic to real trees. And on her first Christmas we were in the hospital!
After the first few years, we also learned to go with the flow and make sure Gwen had plenty of fun experiences instead of things. So we went to all the parties and events. She didn't know what they were, but she loved seeing all the people and the action. The allergic babysitter even took her out shopping on Black Fridays AND the Saturdays before Christmas.
Gwen didn't care if Christmas was perfect and it seems that in this photo, Aaron didn't either! We have learned a lot from these special children, wouldn't you say? :)
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