devotion

In the spring of 2003 Aaron became a paraplegic from a complication of spinal fusion surgery. He was 3 years 7 months old. I was 29. It changed our lives forever. In this next photo you can see why he needed surgery. His little spine was so curved he could not hold his upper body straight for very long.

These next two photos evoke the deepest of emotion in me. I look at them maybe 2 times a year and every time I do look I gasp. My boy at one point in his life was able to climb and walk with the support of chairs. The week before we brought him for surgery he was his most climbingest self. Something deep inside me told me SNAP THESE PHOTOS. I don't know why and I don't what but did listen to that voice when it spoke. I'm ever so grateful that I did. These are my most treasured photos of Aaron's childhood.

This photo is taken a week or so after the surgery which caused the complication. I will never forget the surgeons word's when he came to find me and Aaron's dad.

"I think we have a problem." And he proceeded to tell me that Aaron could not move his legs. I don't know what happened exactly other than that somehow his anterior spinal chord was damaged during surgery. Something to do with blood vesses feeding the spine were snipped to better access the vertebrae. Of all these surgeries, this type of complications happens in 0.01%. We knew going into surgery there could be complications. We did not know it would be to this magnitude. Upon awakening from surgery April 15 Aaron was paralyzed from the waist down. This was Aaron's 3rd surgery in 3 weeks. The first two went without a hitch. I did not expect this in the least. I was expecting to take Aaron home with new sneakers and a walker. He went home on a stretcher with strict instructions to be lying flat or at a 45 degree angle for 6 months post-op.

This event changed our lives in such a profound way. I tell people it changed my life more than it changed his. Medically it changed his life, emotionaly and physically it changed mine forever. Five years later I'm healed from the wounds that were created by the event. It took several years to grieve and move on. It took time to accept that I had to change my perspective. I remember I had such a hard time going to the ICU to see him after the surgery. I grieved for him, I was sorry for him, I was so sad for his life. It broke my heart that something so bad happened to such a sweet little boy. It took me a few days to realize he may have lost the use of his legs but he still had his life. I still had my little boy.

Something that I think about often is when I took him home he cried a lot at night for several months afterwards. I thought it was the stool softener medication causing tummy aches. I stopped giving them to him and he felt a little better but not always. It's only in the last year did I realize that he cried at night probably from pain from his legs, or even emotionally he didn't understand what was happening. I remember the first day I took him home and placed him on the couch. He expected to jump off the couch like he used to but he couldn't. It broke my heart to watch him struggle so much. At the time he couldn't speak at all. He was very aggressive for many months. He was angry and the only way he could express himself was clawing at me. Thankfully with love we were able to overcome our obstacles that each of us faced. We've both bloomed into different people. We are happy and healthy and we'll figure out the next 5 years as it comes.

I'm devoted to making this little boy's life as happy as I possibly can.

I think I've accomplished that the last 5 years.

He doesn't like his new sunglasses. He doesn't do well with change.

Just like his mama.

I'm working on those questions about Aaron post...please ask anything else if you feel so inclined.