doting

The comments are wonderful and again I thank you for leaving them. They are comforting. I left Friday's post feeling like I wrote something that could have been taken the wrong way and I wanted to clarify what I meant. When I wrote Aaron is not the child I wanted I should have wrote instead Aaron is not the child I envisioned in my mind when I wanted to have children. Aaron IS the child I wanted just not in the package I had imagined. I adore this child with every fiber of my being. I adore his sweet smile and his silly little idiosyncracies that are unique to him.

(July 2003)

I left the other days post with saying how Aaron's smiles are my reward. Many people comment to me when I send out pictures he's so happy. I would say that he is a happy child. I would also agree that he is spoiled to a point. Not all his whims are catered to yet most of them are. He doesn't ask for much in life and as long as he has what he needs that makes him happy he's beside himself with glee.

(March 2003)

The picture above is another favorite photo of mine. What do you see first? I see the smile. I see his spirit and his ability to face life's obstacles as best he can. If you look a little closer he has 8 bolts screwed into his skull. Before he had back surgery he needed to be "stretched" in order to lengthen the spine as much as possible before it was fused. He had weights hanging off a pully system of the "halo", the black ring around his head. What I love about this photo is that his happiness overshadows anything negative. Folks say that I'm the one who's strong, really I think it is Aaron who is the strongest of the two of us.

(August 2004)

(july 2004)

He really is a wonderful little boy. He is constantly amazing me from learning to read to his physical strength. I gave up expecting motherhood to change and have learned to accept this is the child the universe has given me. There are choices and as an infant I could have put him up for adoption because his care was too much. But I couldn't do that. I loved him way too much and I hoped beyond hope for a better day. I lived for the day that I would not have to worry about him every single second of the day. That day has come. I couldn't be more proud the boy I gave birth to.

I admit his first year and then some I lived in guilt for having given him life. For having given him that caused so much suffering. There was a point in his life that loving him hurt so very much for fear I would lose him. I did not connect with Aaron fully until he was a little more than 2 years old. Right after I left his father and the godforsaken town I lived in I was fully able to learn to love Aaron. I had to see the little boy and not the medical issues.

There is a song that I just adore and cherish you can see here. The lyrics that stand out most in my heart:

You may need me there
To carry all your weight
But you're no burden I assure
You tide me over
With a warmth I'll not forget
But I can only give you love

This pretty much sums up my relationship with my little boy. I do carry his weight physically but I do not and never will see him as a burden. He gives my life purpose and meaning. After another weekend of spending time with other peoples children I am so grateful for Aaron.

Thank you for letting me share these feelings the past few days. I've felt the need to let it out. I've struggled how to share these feelings with anyone. I didn't realize that my blog always had to be about crafty happiness. I want this new blog to be more deeper. What inspires me, what drives me. I want this blog to be what the other blog wasn't about me. The real me. Aaron is a big part of who I am. But I cannot let motherhood define me. I'm at a point in my life that I need to close the chapter of the past 3 years. It's time for me to move beyond just being a mother and caretaker of other peoples children. It's time I stop hiding and get out there and put myself on the market. I need to overcome many fears. Fears I have plenty of.

I leave you with a picture taken today. Aaron going back and forth from the living room to his bedroom. He goes back and forth to get something from his bedroom and bring it into the living room. It's funny how he just comes in gets what he needs and leaves. Like any typical child.

This trip he was bringing his two favorite things into the living room his puzzle and his sticker book. You believe I've gone through 2 rolls of tape for that sticker book? I almost bought a pack of 6 the other day. I wish I had!