illumination

Part of my new blogging experience is coming up with appropriate titles for the posts. I don't know how it came about but I was trying to think of a good word to explain a post and I came across an online thesaurus. Now the fun is finding a word that best explains how I feel that day. I just wanted to explain the significance of the one word titles.

After sending Aaron off to school on the bus I returned into the house. Today was the day that I did something big. Very big in terms of letting something go. I paid off a credit card and cancelled it. No more will I have this monkey on my back that has been hanging on for the last 3 years. No more will I have to dole out money to this company because I felt the need to fill up my heart with things I didn't really need and probably aren't even here anymore. Now, whatever money comes to me is mine.

I walked to the bank to open up a seperate savings account in which I can make deposits but not withdraw unless I ask them to change that. I had my trusty mp3 with me and a song really struck me today. Once I read the lyrics it touched a nerve deep inside my heart even more. I'm sure the original inperpretation of this song was probably a man writing to a woman about love in some form. I percieved this song in a different light, such as, the universe writing to me telling me the time is now. "Why not chose now to be happy and to be loved. I will always love you no matter what. Nothing else matters but how I feel about you."

Upon returning home there was a letter in my mailbox. I had applied for disability pension back in February. I had a strong feeling I wouldn't qualify, yet everyone around me tried to make me think positive. When I opened the letter, in my mind's eye the words refused at this time were in big bold capital letters at least 10 times bigger than the font throughout the rest of the letter. I had the song above playing at the same time asking me "What about now?" My first reaction was to cry but it I held it back and walked into the house. "What about today?" Then a voice told me "You don't need this now. Be grateful you have your health." Then it hit me that all this represented was just more money. Money I don't really need once I learn how to become more financially responsible. What if you're making me all that I was meant to be?

Today's breakfast: a blueberry muffin and a large double double coffee and a side order of music. I loved it. I loved my little outing and the peace of being able to sit in a crowd of people feeling like I was the only one there. I actually closed my eyes and breathed in the joy of the moment. The elation of the ability to walk where I need to go when I need to get there. I rolled up the rim and I didn't win. In my heart I'm already a winner.

This week, many people, inlcluding an audio book and blog commenters, have all shone a flashlight into the dark hole of despair I was in. Every part of my body has been illuminated thus allowing me to see within my own mind that I am worthy. I am an important part of this world in which we all belong. The "more" I was seeking an answer to was staring me in the face. I want to be more than a mother. Now the work begins on finding ways to become that more.

Have a most wonderful weekend!