"you don't become good by trying to be good, but by finding the goodness that's already within you, and allowing that goodness to emerge, but it can only emerge if something fundamental changes in your state of consciousness"
So when I started to change my life 3 years ago I was going about it all wrong. I was struggling so hard to be a good person when I already WAS a good person! I AM a good person.
A lot of what I'm learning is that I am wrapped up in my conditioning. The mess in my head was conditoned for years and years. Now I need to uncondition myself to a new way of thinking. I am looking forward to an awakening of sorts. I am looking forward to the day I can unplug the neon signs that flash in my head with all the negative messages I've been reliving for years. I AM a good person. The universe is NOT giving or sending these negative messages to me. I AM. It is my conditioning. Interesting stuff I tell you! I can't wait to go to bed for the next chapter!
I awoke this morning recognizing that there are problems in my home. We have too much stuff! So I decided to to do a clean up in the toy closet. I was able to donate 3 boxes of things. I forgot to take a before picture but you can see the after picture. We now have 4 empty shelves!! I used to have a lock on the door so Aaron could not get in and take everything out. I realized that what was the purpose of having these things if I wasn't allowing Aaron to play with them? Most of the toys were battery operated and drove me nuts. I was able to purge many of them and kept Aaron's favorites although there were a few that were still his favorites but it was time to give them to some other little child. How many battery operated alphabet toys does this child really need? None really because he knows his whole alphabet front and back and sideways. I did keep one though to help him with spelling. I dream of the day Aaron will want to do arts and crafts with me or just want to colour or draw. It is a far off dream because the boy hates to hold pencils or any such thing in his hand. I understand a child has to be taught a love of writing. This child was taught I cry and I'm bored so I get a battery operated toy because this is what I love best and I'm out of my mama's hair for a while. I did keep the art supplies though for the little kids that come to visit or if ever I feel the need to let out my inner child and draw something.
I was worried about his reaction and you know he had none. He looked in the closet took a few things out that were left on the bottom and didn't say anything. He did empty the flashcards and I made him pick them all up and put them in the basket. He needs to be taught. I need to take the time to teach him like any other child. Motherhood is grand!
To reward myself of getting out of those doldrums and for learning to let go I went to get some shoes because spring is finally arrived today! The snow is not gone but at least there is tar (and yucky mud!) and I can wear pretty shoes. 3 bucks yayyyy!! I also got a zip up hoodie in a pretty beige colour with brown swirly flowers all over.
Someone did me a kindness and I want to repay thier kindness.
9 comments:
I don't hate all battery operated toys, but they drive me nuts too! I wish I could be as motivated as you are. I'm really proud of you and how you are realizing how special you really are. I sent you two e-mails today. Let me know what you think of them. We are of different paths but I think that they are very, very similar too! Have a great weekend! I have lots to do! Can't wait to see pics of your new chair at your house! Hugs and love, T
oops! It should read "We are on different paths".....Forgive me!
It is wonderful to see that you are reading the Eckhart's book. To me it is life changing in how I think, react to people and even more to find stillness and silence in the day. I too have many things in my head that I have been told for years. Slowly I'm shedding those and that is why I said in my post that I feel lighter than ever. I too am clearing out and getting rid of tons of stuff. Doesn't it feel wonderful.
Yes yes yes yes yes. You ARE a good person and you deserve many good things.
I know all about those voices in your head (I have a lot of them too), and I'm so glad to see you are serving them an eviction notice.
I love your shoes here's to enjoying thespring weather. char
Remember that it took time for people to wear you down, and it will take time for you to rebuild yourself. Each time you beat back an ugly thought is a triumph. Even if you have to keep doing it and the stream of such thoughts feels like failure, the fact that you recognize them and can challenge or deny them is evidence of your strength.
The quilt looks like a river!
I'm so glad to see that you are starting to realize and accept that you ARE a good person! I'm sure it isn't easy after going so many years hearing the opposite, but it sounds like you're on the right track to reconditioning your mind!
im glad to hear you are declutterfying(my word). it is a cleanser, mentally and emotionally. we moved into our current home about 3 years ago. we lived in clutter. after about a year i started to clear everything out. we are pretty uncluttered now, but there are still clutterings here and there. i feel so much better without all the stuff. i can breathe easier, and its not all about the air. i dont think people realize how much clutter affects their lives. i wish you much luck on your current path.
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