clear

Earlier this week I was in such inner turmoil contemplating something that I knew wasn't right for me. It wasn't until I started reading a few books, reading a few emails from kind folks and reading a few blogs that something hit me. I was about to embark on the same path I'd been down so many times before. Life is full of lessons, we keep repeating the same lessons over and over until we get it. This week I got the lesson! Dating or seeing or beginning a relationship with Aaron's father would have spelled trouble in the long run. I'm so, so very glad that I was able to come to my senses and see this. I've also realized that I'm not ready for anyone at this time.
I haven't given myself enough time to heal. I also have not given myself enough to the universe. I spent the winter wahh wahhing myself into depression. Oh woe is me I'm all alone. I didn't have a right to whine when I wasn't actually trying to remedy the situation.
Now that I see clearer I can be ready to heal. Just as the spring renews itself every year I find me on a path of renewal. A rejuvenation of who my inner core is. An awakening of what's really important in life. I set about this path a month ago and I woke up today feeling the happiest I've ever been in months. I feel like those branches up there, with each new leaf sprouts a new idea in my head. A new perspective on my life.
Yesterday while waiting for Aaron's bus after school a voice came into my head telling me that I am a gift. I questioned the voice. How am I a gift? The voice replied you are a gift to those around you. To those who you meet in real life as well as virtuatlly. You are a gift to every person whose life you touch. Wow. What a wonderful message to recieve on a chilly May spring day waiting outside for a bus. I love messages like these, it's one less negative thought in my head telling me I'm stupid.
I was treated to breakfast today because I accompanied a very good friend to pick out paint for her deck. I hope to visit that completed deck soon and we can sit and tell happy stories of our kids and our lives. She is a treasure to behold. She has been my magnifying glass for the past 15 years. She has helped me to see clearer that which I could not see. She is a gift to me.
I am so very happy I began this journey a month ago. I definately feel the tides turning within.
I was about to click publish post when I hear a ruckus in the living room. Aaron had taken out about half of his movies from the book shelf and taken them out of all of their cases and was buried in a pile of cases and movie cassettes. I was angry as hell but mostly frustrated. This is the third time I've had to pick this up this week. It makes me sad that he doesn't "get it". This is the typical behaviour of a 2 year old. I've got an eight and a half year old with a toddler mind.
I must find the happy place I had earlier or I can't cope the rest of the evening. A cold is catching up with me as well and I'm just exhausted. Emotional stuff really does take a lot out of a person!