fear

Friday I got my bike. My first ride was home from the store where I purchased it. 2.7 miles or 3.4 kilometers. About half the way there I was ready to die and about 3/4s of the way home I wanted to wretch. But I made it him walking about 20 % of the way.
What a rush it is to be on a bike again. I just got back from a half hour ride this morning going around town. I took a little rest at the park sitting on a bench and thinking. On my way home I got honked at for not paying attention to where I was going and almost being sideswiped by a truck and a van behind it. I'm a dork. I'm learning that city riding is not the same as riding in a small village.
But oh the ride...the burn in my lungs, the stiffness of my legs. It's all good. I'm alive and I can ride! Oh what fun.

Several weeks ago I thought owning a bike was just a dream. Someone helped me make that dream become a reality. His generosity and kindness was unexpected. So out of character of him to do something this nice for me. I've been thinking for quite a while now, even before the bike, that he still loves me. It shows in the way he acts, he talks, he listens. He cares.

I've told him I'm still trying to find me. Trying to figure out who I am. Not wanting to lose myself in someone else. Him or anyone. I care about him. I'm not sure how deep I'm willing to allow myself to care for him or anyone. Emotionally I'm not ready for anyone. That is the part that scares me. Will I ever be ready? I fear that I revert back to who I was before. I fear deep emotional pain. I fear old wounds. I fear unmet expectations. I fear I haven't given myself enough time to allow the universe to send me the right person. I fear I'm cutting myself short. I fear I'm going to grow old and alone. I fear everything.

This morning I faced my fear of riding the bicycle across not one but two bridges.
I wonder if is it time for me to bridge the gap in my heart and let someone else in.
I wonder if it is time to shed the cocoon I've built around myself and fly.
Soar on the wings of love.
I have learned to love me enough.
I think the biggest question of all I ask myself is
Am I able to still love me enough when there is someone else to love?

I found this poem somewhere reading a blog last week...it struck a chord with me this weekend.

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don't.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, take it.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.

~unknown~