From the moment I was born I was thrust into the world of "special needs". Little did I know that special needs moniker would still be a big part of my life today. Although I have mostly overcome my own special needs, my offspring, however, has not and more than likely will never overcome them.
My blog has been silent these past months as I come to terms with the changes in life that accompanies "growing up". I've never liked change of any sort but we live in an ever evolving world and things change all the time. Seasons turn into years and pretty soon your little toddler whom you knew and adored becomes this preteen who you don't know and you aren't sure he even likes you anymore.
In less than a year and a half he will be a bonafide teenager and my head can't wrap my brain around that thought. My heart is grieving yet again for what isn't and what will never be.
Today marks 8 years of our lives having been changed forever. Back then I didn't think I'd be able to get through those first few months of a child paralyzed from the waist down. Eight years later and I marvel how Aaron and I both managed to get through it. He has made great strides in his physical development which makes physically caring for him a little easier.
Emotionally, however, as he gets older some of his special needs are taking their toll on me. Silently I grieve for his lack of intellect. His inability to have "normal" human conversations about his day.
As preposterous as this sounds, each and every day I quietly beat myself up and blame myself for his disabilities. I think to myself had I done more with him when he was smaller maybe "things" would be different.
There are few people I can confide in and even fewer people who would understand the pain I hold in my heart. Some days I find myself weeping for lack of anything better to do. This week it dawned on me that there are books out there that can help me not feel so alone.
So today as I remember something that happened many years ago that changed our lives I must remember too that he's still with me and he still smiles.
Long ago I used to tell people that his smiles were his way of saying, "You're doing a good job Mommy." Deep down I'm just doing the best I can and I'm coping as best I can with the life I have.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Coping
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12 comments:
Oh, Laura, you have my sympathy and compassion. My father devoted his life to helping folks like you and Aaron to have access to services and to support you through the tough times. I am here to listen.
I hope those books are helpful too. Are there any support groups for parents near you? It would be good to get a chance to know there are others nearby going through the same stuff...
I want to come over there and shake you up! Why oh why do you question your abilities and understanding? How many times have I told you that very few can do the job that you do so very very well? Aaron is blessed to have you, Laura and don't forget it! Look at the strides that you've both made. Please don't look at what can't be, but instead revel in what is and the "now" of life. There are smiles, and laughter and learning, and understanding for both of you. I am in such awe of your abilities and coping skills, Laura. I think you need to go to the mirror and smile at the person you really are. :)
You are a wonderful mother, who has always worked so hard to provide the very best you were capable of with very little in the way of outside support. I admire you deeply and I know Aaron is lucky to have you. Life has thrown so many challenges your way and you keep facing them with pluck, courage and determination.
I was at the Creativ Festival today and all of the wonderful quilting things made me think of you. :) Keep an eye on your mailbox!
Glad to see you are back blogging! Life is much harder than I thought it was going to be. Your stack of books looks great. Hope they help you look at your life from other perspectives. That always helps. You and your son are in my prayers.
You're doing a great job, Laura!
Brenda
I searched for you on facebook today. I couldn't find you. I miss you.
I'm sorry. I still love you.
I've been using the black bag with pink flowers that you made me for all my work notes/crap and I always get compliments on it.
Please, please forgive me. I know we met for a reason and I'll always love and care about you!!
You are both perfect in His eyes- just the way he created you to be.
You have a big role: teaching the world how to persevere during trials. May you draw on His strength & grace to get through.
xoxoxo
Sending much love to you- just so you know, I think you are amazing. It makes sense to mourn for what will never be- but know that it is never, ever your fault.
Your last sentence says it all; just always remember that. I think it is ok, and healthy, and natural to have days like that - days where we still allow ourselves to weep and 'mourn' what we think 'could have been.' Hugs to you my friend.
You are human and you are allowed moments to grieve, cry, etc... Just remember God does not give you more than you can handle. Your story has educated me, and I will no longer take the "little things" for granted. So many of us complain about things that aren't really of any grand significance or importance; the challenges you face make all of my gripes insignificant. Hang in there, certainly much good will come of this--just wait and see!!
God Bless you and keep you in his care. And remember to ask God for help.
Brenda C.
Texas
Hey, don't beat yourself up over anything. I have an autistic son and one of the hardest parts is I don't know what he is thinking...I don't get the loving response from him that I want. But I think he loves me...in his own way! Just take a step forward every day and know that you are the most important person in his life! Good luck...
Laura it is normal to doubt yourself from time to time. I have five kids and although they dont have disabilities I often feel that I have failed them, that I should have done better by them. I hope you can still find hope and joy in your precious boys face.
Take care Laura
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