This winter was a long one. This was my first winter in our new place. It was exceptionally long and I was left to my own thoughts more often than not. Those thoughts weren't always good ones and often were fraught with misery. There were days where the inner would not stop saying "fuck your stupid" at least 10 times a day. I fought the urge everyday to rip off my own face because I couldn't stand to look at it. And I still don't. When I can't stand to look at it I ask myself how can anyone else? There are times when my skin aches with the need to bleed to weep the sorrow and pain of loneliness I feel inside. I just want to hide in here forever. Hide in my own skin. Hide in the shell that I've created for myself inside my own mind. Everyday I see my flaws and there are many. I often wonder how many of these flaws others see. I'm having a hard time accepting who I am. I want to be beautiful and pretty and have a gorgeous body and realistically I know that's not going to happen. I want to be better inside my head that I can wake up and look in the mirror and say good morning you wonderful woman you. I want to be okay with who I am. I want to learn to accept that I am worthy. That I am alive for a reason other than to care for Aaron. I want to find out what that "more" is.
(grown up Laura at 21 years old)
9 comments:
Ok well first of all I WANT LITTLE LAURA'S DRESS too cute. Secondly girl you are one of my top 3 favorite bloggy friends. You are so sweet and so special and so beautiful, you are an old soul, an earth mother, I just wish ONE TIME you could see you the way I see you. I wish we were IRL friends so I could just hug you out of your doldrums sweetie. :( When I win the gazillion dollar powerball lottery will you and Aaron come stay on my estate and just be my companion? LOL love you sweetie. xoxo melzie
What a little cutie!
I think we all have those thoughts. I try to remind myself that no one thinks about me as much as I think about me. I dwell on me in my thoughts, but most people don't.
I think you're great. I've enjoyed getting to know you these past few months. I look forward to chatting with you everyday. You give me a little boost when I need it, and I hope that I do the same for you.
Your are not going to believe this but today (earlier) I put together my post for tomorrow. There's a picture of me when I was about 6! I swear! It's titled Wishful Wednesday and one of my wishes is that I wish I could give you a hug! I'm so glad that we met! I wish you could see yourself through my eyes! You are a beautiful, strong, confident woman IMO!! I have the same struggles, maybe it has something to do with our birthday??? Big hugs, Laura:)
I think you probably realize by now that I struggle with the same issues of where I am and wishing I were, physically, mentally, creatively, something other than I am but I want you to know how much I respect you and truly believe that you shine with a beauty that all of us would do well to emulate.
That 21 year old picture is a great picture of you, btw, and the 3 year old one is so *cute*!!
You've heard the expression "trial by fire" right? That's what life is, a fiery series of trials. It's good that you have this yearning to be "more", because now you will be. Already beautiful inside and out, now the work is seeing what we see.
Look at that smile!
Laura, I don't know how you're going to find what you're looking for--yourself and a sense of your own worth--but you deserve it. Don't give up on yourself. OK?
It's finally up! I was 4 in the picture though, not 6! How crazy is that? Wish me luck, I'm taking my son to get his license today. Cross your fingers for both of us! Love and hugs, T
What an adorable 3 yr old you were!
I could feel your pain in the words you wrote; I wish you could see that you are a beautiful person because of who you are! I think we as women, and society in general, put too much emphasis on physical beauty..that's not all that matters at all...there is more to us then physical beauty and you have that "more." You have a beautiful spirit about you Laura!
isnt that enough for right now?? while he is small? i know we want to be someone worthwhile, not just a mom. i think that a lot of this kind of thinking happens when you have a small one. life gets easier as your little one ages and it isnt as much of a drain on you emotionally/mentally, especially doing it on your own. it does get better tho...i think its good to be creative at this point, so you are at least doing something for yourself. and keep declutterfying!!
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